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January 11, 2020

7/Jan20

I am past some sort of turning point. While away on the mainland for 3 weeks, somehow, the pall of depression has lifted. Some days I even feel chipper for hours on end. 😊 There are more I’m sure, but I think two transformative experiences were:

  1. occasions of pure joy in reconnecting with friends & family, of belly laughs, of guiltlessly having some fun;
  2. confronting & surviving existential threats, the fires, for instance. Another was more about my self-image.

Someone close challenged me about the state I was in, the changing attitudes & hardening judgements I was displaying. It hurt. Thankfully, after licking the wounds for a bit, I chose to consider the evidence and open up rather than dig myself further into the trenches. I don’t agree with everything, but this person loves me & really cares about the state of my life, and vice versa – that’s one of the uplifting takeaways from that interchange. I am so grateful.

It balances out the anger that has been growing through the fire season. Anger is not the greatest of motivators for me – it dissipates too quickly for one thing & needs to be constantly stoked. And often when I have given in to my rage, I have said & done things that are little more than vengeance, & I have ended up in unfortunate places. It matters to me what I end up with.

The Motivation creates the Means of Action which determines the End.

So I now am waiting out the anger to see what turns up.